Tales of the Abyss Skits: The Lost Series
by The Randomniscitys
Summary: A series of skits where our heroes get lost in various places... how will this play out?
1. Lost in the Zao Desert!

**Lost in the Zao Desert**

_Our poor heroes are lost in the Zao Desert!!! They've run out of water, and their food is getting low as well. Worse yet, there's a sandstorm brewing, and some of the group are out looking for water and food. They have a hard decision ahead of them--who's going to get eaten first?!_

Mieu: Master, I'm huuuuungry.....

Luke: (weakly) Sh-shut up.... *cough, cough*

Tear: Luke! Are you okay?!

Luke: *coughing, hacking* Sand....in....my....throat!!!....

Tear: Jade!! Do something!!!

Jade: (calmly) Me? Whatever for?

Tear: You're a doctor, aren't you?! Luke's choking!!! He might die!!!

Natalia: (from where she's sulking in the corner) Oh, put a sock in it!!!

Mieu: A sock in what?

Jade: I believe you have me confused with a medical doctor. I am a scientist.

Tear: I don't care what the flip you are!!!! HELP HIM!!!!

Jade: Oh my.

Natalia: You guys are such losers!!

Mieu: Um.... I think Master is dead....

Tear: *crying* No!!! Luke, don't leave me!!! *slams her fists on his chest*

Luke: X_X

Guy: (coming back to the camp after searching in the desert for food) Hey, guys...*notices Luke* Oh my God!!! Is he breathing?!?!

Jade: Hmm... I don't believe he is... oh, dear...

Tear: Luke, you bastard!!!! I'm coming after you!!! *pulls out one of her daggers*

Natalia: *shrieks* Look out!!!! She's got a knife!!!!

Guy: Has anyone seen Anise?

Muffled Voice: Psst! Over here!

Guy: *looking towards a giant mound of sand* Anise?

Anise: *head poking out of the sand* Shh... I'm hiding.

Guy: Why?

Anise: Natalia tried to eat me.

Guy: *shocked* She WHAT?!

Anise: Are you deaf? She tried to eat me!

Mieu: Hey look Theres the lost city of Atlantis over there! *pointing off into the distance*

Anise: No that's dancing teddy bears!!

Tear: Luke is dying people! Do you not care!?

Natalia: ASCH!!! *starts running away waving her arms wildly*

Jade: *singing* Another one bites the dust.

Tear: Jade! This is no time to be joking! Surely you would know SOMETHING to do to help Luke!

Jade: *shrugs* I'm not the seventh fonist with healing powers

Tear: OH! I have resurrection!

Anise: Tear! Don't resurrect him! We could harvest his organs and sell them on the black market!

Jade: *singing* What I bought on eeebay

Guy: Anise! That's not a good thing to do to our fellow comrade.

Anise: So?

Guy: Let's eat him.

Jade: *singing* Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor.

Guy: Good idea Jade.

Jade: *shrugs* I was not suggesting anything. I was merely singing.

Mieu: We can't do that to Master!

Jade: Did you not just say that you were hungry, Mieu?

Mieu: *thinking about it* Tear! Use your knife!

Tear: *leans over Luke, holding her knife*

Guy: So what are you going to do, Tear?

Tear: Harvest his organs to sell on ebay.

Luke: *wakes up* SWEET MARY MOTHER OF JESUS!!!

Guy: Oh look, he's awake!

Jade: *singing* We're awakening!

Anise: Colonel, really?

Luke: I don't think I've ever heard Jade sing before... the heat must really be getting to him

Jade: *singing* Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Guy: ...

Luke: ...

Mieu: Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Jade and Mieu: DONTCHA!?

Guy and Luke: ...scary

Tear: *curled up in a fetal position rocking back and forth* Harvest organs, kill Luke. Harvest organs, get money. Go to Disneyland. And see King Mickey.

Luke: What's wrong with Tear?

Guy: She's in her own little kingdom now. Kingdom Hearts

Tear: *pulls out her staff* The Keyblade has chosen mee!!

Anise: She's gone.

Jade: *singing* Now you're gone, I realize my love for you was strong and I miss you here now you're gone

Luke: Jade? Missing someone? I don't believe it!

Mieu: Has anybody seen Natalia?

Anise: Good riddance.

Tear: Hey look! It's the gummi ship! *points to the sky*

Luke: What is she blabbering about now? *looks up*

Guy: I don't believe it! It's the Albiore!

Tear: Sora! Down here!

Luke: Who is she talking about?

Anise: Who cares? We're saved!!

Jade: *singing* Whatcha got, whatcha want, whatcha need, gonna be your savior!

Mieu: Yaaaaaaay! We're saved!

Noelle: I've been looking all over for you guys!

_They all got on the Albiore and flew away, all but one..._

Noelle: Hey, where's Natalia?

Everyone: !!!!!

Tear: She must be back at Twilight Town!!! Donald, hard to starboard!!!!

Noelle: Who? What?

Luke: She's been going on like that for a while...

Guy: Where could Natalia have gone? Did you see her on your way here, Noelle?

Noelle: No, but I did see an odd-looking hole....

Anise: Who cares? She'll show up eventually.

Mieu: Like a bad penny!!!

Anise: Right, so don't get your panties in a twist.

Jade: *starts to sing* Don't--

Everyone: SHUT UP, JADE!!!

_And so our heroes escaped danger once again, though their number was one less. Where will their adventures lead them next? Will they ever find Natalia? Will Tear ever save Kingdom Hearts? Tune in next time!!!!_

* * *

**Yes, we do have Kingdom Hearts references. Since there are no actual characters being used, we did not count it as a crossover.

**In the skit we made Jade sing songs. We don't know why, but we just thought it was funny :) So, I'll say the songs we used part of just in case yall were wondering.

"Another One Bites the Dust" …. well. "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen.

"What I bought on Ebay" …. "Ebay" by Weird Al.

"Let the bodies hit the floor. Let the bodies hit the floor." …. "Bodies" by Drowning Pool.

"We're Awakening!" …. "Awakening" by Skillet

"Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" "Dontchaaa!?" …. "Dontcha" by Spice Girls

"Now you're gone, I realize my love for you was strong and I miss you here now you're gone" …. "Now You're Gone" by Basshunter

"Whatcha got, whatcha want, whatcha need, gonna be your savior!" …. "Savior" by Skillet


	2. Lost in the Qliphoth!

_Hello, everyone! Our heroes are back, and guess where they are now? The Qliphoth!!! How did they get there? Well, you all remember last time, when they were stuck in the Zao Desert? Yeah, so now...._

* * *

As they are flying over the Zao Desert, the Albiore begins to make an odd noise.

Noelle: Uh-oh...

Luke: What was that noise?

Tear: It's the Heartless! They're after us!!! *hides under her seat*

Noelle: What? .....Nevermind.... It seems we've run out of fuel...

Jade: *singing*Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme that which I desire...

Jade and Mieu: OOH!

Anise: Not again....

Luke: Are we going to crash?

Noelle: *fiddling with the controls* Not if I--*a strange clunking noise comes from the

control panel*

Anise: What now?!

Guy: That wasn't--?

Noelle: *nodding* It was. I just lost all system controls.

Anise: Well, find them!!!

Luke: So now we're gonna crash?

Noelle: Yep.

Jade: What a bother...

Anise: No!!!! I'm too young to die!!!! Luke hasn't even married me yet!!!

Luke: ME?!

Guy: I thought you wanted to marry me?

Anise: *pauses* Guy hasn't married me either!!!!

Jade: *singing* All the single ladies, all the single ladies, put your hands up!

Anise: Not funny!!!!

Mieu: Um, Noelle? Are we heading for that hole?

Noelle: I guess so. I don't really have any control right now, so....

Tear: *crawls out from under her seat and looks at the hole* It's the door to Kingdom Hearts!! It's open!!!!

Luke: Oh, look. Tear's back.

Noelle: Hold on, guys! We're going through the hole!!!

Jade: *singing* Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain....

Anise: Really?! Do you have a song for EVERYTHING?!

Jade: Hmm... Maybe...

Guy: Do you secretly have a karaoke hobby?

Jade: ................hehe...

Luke: Creeeeeepyyyyy....

Tear: *opens door to the outside* I'M COMING RIKUUUuuuuu.......

Everyone: TEAR!!!!!!

Luke: She's falling!!!

Guy: After her!!!! *jumps*

Luke: *jumps*

Noelle: *looks at Anise and Jade* Aren't you going after them?

Jade: *sighs* If I must... You know how my joints ache.... and oh...

Anise: Geez.... You're such an old geezer! *jumps*

Jade: *jumps, singing* Faaaaaall into the flood of your awaaaaaakeniiiiing!!!!!....

Noelle: What about you Mieu?

Mieu: *sighs* I suppose....

Jade: *from far away, singing* IIIIIIIIIIII suppose! HEY!!!!

* * *

_...And so, our heroes fell deep into the earth. They fell and they fell and they kept falling until their fall was finally broken by some murky water. How they survived the fall, no one will ever know, but survive they did. When they looked around, they saw...._

* * *

Anise: *gets out of the water* Where are we?

Guy: *looks around* It looks like we fell into the Qliphoth...

Jade: *swimming and singing* Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming...

Anise: I think the fall scrambled Jade's brains.

Jade: *still swimming* Quite.

Guy: I don't know how we survived that fall....

Anise: It's a video game. What did you expect?

Guy: ....but I'm glad we did.

Mieu: *drowning* Master!!!! glub, glub! Help!!! I can't--glub, glub--swim!!!

Luke: *scoops him up* You're such a useless Thing!!!

Mieu: I'm sorry, Master....

Annoyed Voice: You're such a useless Dreck.

Luke: *shocked* Is that--?

Guy: *gasps* Could it be--?

Jade: *loud* IT IS!!!!!

Natalia: I found Asch! *points to Asch proudly*

Asch: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Anise: Oh, no, not Natalia!!! Don't eat meeeee!!!! *hides behind Jade*

Jade: GET IN MY BELLY!!!!

Anise: *screams* Not you too!!! *runs to hide behind Guy*

Luke: Has anyone seen Tear?

Guy: She jumped out first, so she had more time to get lost....

Jade: *singing* Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener! That is what I'd truly like to be-ee-ee!

Asch: What the heck?!

Luke: Wow, Jade really must be losing it. That time it didn't even make sense.

Anise: How can you lose what you never had?

Asch: *confused* What happened to the Colonel?

Natalia: I love you, Asch!!!

Asch: Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Jade: *singing* But I can't help...falling in love with you! 3

Everyone (but Jade and Tear): ....

Distant Voice: Donald!! Sora!!! I've found King Mickey!!!

Luke: Was that--?

Guy: Could it be--?

Jade: IT IS!!!

Anise: Deja vu much....

Luke: TEAR!!! *runs blindly off to find her*

Guy: We'd better follow him, I suppose... *goes after Luke*

Jade: *singing* IIIIII suppose! HEY!!

Asch: I'm not going after the Dreck. It's not worth the effort.

Natalia: I'll stay with **you**, Asch!!! *latches onto his arm*

Asch: Ugh! Get off me!!!

Jade: *singing* I get off on 57 Chevys...

Mieu: Marco!

Jade: Polo!

Mieu: Marco?

Jade: Po--

Anise: I'm following Luke and Guy, if only to get away from you two!

Asch: That's starting to sound like a good idea....

Natalia: I will follow you to the ends of the earth, my love!!!

Jade: *singing* I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over! Love you forever, forever is over!

Natalia: Oh my, how rude!!! Are you insinuating that I'm drunk?

Anise: *muttering* Sure seems like it...

* * *

_They finally reached the place where Luke and Guy had found Tear, who was still in the depths of her hallucination. This makes us wonder.... which character of Kingdom Hearts is Tear (in her pitiful mind)? In the first Lost skit, she called out Sora's and Donald's name, and earlier in this skit, she yells out their names and Mickey's. Does that make her Goofy? Or Jiminy Cricket? Anywho... when our heroes find Tear, she is talking to a mouse, who is attempting to escape her insanely strong grip._

* * *

Mouse: *struggling* eek!!! eek!!!!

Tear: Mickey! What are you doing in Beast's Castle?

Luke: Who is Beast? Tear, are you cheating on me??!!!

Tear: *looks at Luke* Belle? What are you doing here in Beast's room? You know he doesn't allow you in here!

Guy: *snickers* She called you a _girl, _Luke. Ha ha!

Luke: *blushing* Sh-shut up!!!

* * *

_Just at that moment, they heard a glorious sound from above. They all looked up to see the Albiore, hale and whole, landing nearby. Noelle jumped out._

* * *

Noelle: There you are!!! I've been looking for you guys all over the place!

Asch: Finally, we can go home, and I can get away from you people...

Natalia: I'll never leave Asch again! *tackle-hugs*

Guy: I'm glad we can leave this place. It's so dreary down here...

Noelle: *looks at Tear* Why is Tear hugging a mouse?

Anise: She's going to marry it and have freakish mutant mouse-babies.

Tear: *gasps* Don't speak of King Mickey in such a slanderous fashion!!!

Anise: What did she say? *confused at big words*

Guy: She said not to talk bad about her mouse boyfriend.

Asch: *dragging a clinging Natalia* I'm leaving. See you guys never. *steals Albiore*

Luke: He's taking our only ride out!!

Jade: *singing* Waiting for our ship to come, but our ship's not coming back...

Anise: Well, that's depressing...

Tear: We shall make a boat befitting King Mickey and sail to Destiny Islands!!!

Noelle: Well, the Albiore won't go very far.

Mieu: Why not?

Noelle: The Albiore was almost out of fuel when I got here.

Luke: I thought it was out of fuel before, and that was why we crashed?

Noelle: *looks sheepish* I hit the wrong button.

Anise: *watches Albiore crash* Bye bye, Asch, you were amusing while you lasted. Natalia, may you rot forever in.... in a place without Asch!!!!

Tear: *points at the sky* It's an enemy ship! I'll protect the King!!! *starts making laser gun noises*

Noelle: Well looky here! It's my brother! Ginji!!! Down here!

Mieu: Yay! We're saved!!!

Jade: *singing* Whatcha got, whatcha want, whatcha need, gonna be your savior!!!

Guy: Hey, you've already sung that one.

Jade: Really? Oh dear... it's my mind, you know. They say the mind is the first to go when you're getting up in years.... *dramatic*

Anise: *from the other Albiore* Get your lazy butt up here, old man!

Jade: *in a singsong voice* Anything you say, Sweetcheeks!

Anise: Eeeeww....

* * *

_And so our heroes were saved again! They seem to have unusually good luck in these situations. Yet, is it not bad luck that they end up in these situations in the first place? I'll let you be the judge. Where will they get lost and/or abandoned next time? Will Natalia ever rejoin the group, or will she and Asch elope (as soon as they get out of the Qliphoth)? Will Luke ever get over being called a girl by the woman he loves? Will Tear get King Mickey back to Disney Castle and save Kingdom Hearts? Find out next time, on Tales of the Abyss--Lost!_

_Hehe hope ya'll like it~ I'll say the random songs that we had Jade sing this time. (if I can try to get them all.)  
"Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme that which I desire... OOH!" Fuel ~ Metallica  
"All the single ladies, all the single ladies, put your hands up!" All the Single Ladies ~ Beyonce  
"Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain..." Black Hole Sun ~ Soundgarden  
"Faaaaaall into the flood of your awaaaaaakeniiiiing!!!!!..." Awakening ~ Demon Hunter  
"IIIIIIIIIIII suppose! HEY!!!!" Ahem... if you have ever played the game Rhythm Heaven for the ds... you'll know what we're talking about ;)  
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming..." Dory from Nemo 3  
"Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener! That is what I'd truly like to be-ee-ee!"...the Oscar Meyer commercial. gee THAT was random Callie... :P haha. but that's why we're the Randomniscitys~  
"But I can't help...falling in love with you!" Can't Help Falling in Love ~ Elvis Presley ..we have a rock band/guitar hero guitar named after him  
"I get off on 57 Chevys..." from some phone commercial.. I've never heard it before. I'm guessing the marco polo thing was in it too...?  
"I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung over! Love you forever, forever is over!" LOVEDRUNK ~ BOYS LIKE GIRLS!! OMG!! TOTAL AMAZINGNESS RIGHT THERE!!!! hehe ;P  
"Waiting for our ship to come, but our ship's not coming back..." Believe ~ The Bravery  
"Whatcha got, whatcha want, whatcha need, gonna be your savior!!!" Savior ~ Skillet.. again. as you may recall from chapter one._

_I didn't know we had so many dang songs... haha oh well. We love music!! Heeheehee 3 ttfn ta ta for now~_


	3. Lost on the way to the Daath Cathedral!

_Our heroes have just escaped the Qliphoth, losing Natalia and Asch and gaining Ginji. Are Natalia and Asch lost forever? Will Ginji marry Anise? Where will they get lost next??? They are finally back on the surface.... (btw, we will be ignoring all deaths, such as Ion's, and anybody else's... ((spoiler alert)) thank you!) ......_

Anise: I'm bored.

Guy: Whew! I'm glad we're finally out of that place!

Luke: Um, Tear? You can let go of the mouse now.... I think you're choking it...

Tear: King Mickey?! Why aren't you breathing??

Jade: *singing* Mickey, Mickey, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind--Hey, Mickey!!!

Mieu: *singing* Hey, hey, hey Mickey!!

Ginji: *looks at Noelle* Are they okay?

Noelle: *shrugs* They're like this every time I pick them up.

Anise: I wanna go see Ion! *stomps her foot*

Tear: EARTHQUAKE!!! PROTECT KING MICKEY!!!! *dives under her chair*

Luke: She's been doing that a lot lately.

Guy: It's better than Jade's singing.

Jade: *gasps* Oh my, how rude!

Mieu: Isn't that Natalia's taunt during battle?

Luke: How do you do a 'taunt'?

Mieu: I don't know! I don't have one! *pouts*

Guy: You press the R button during battle. It also helps fill your Overlimit Gauge.

Noelle: You're so randomly smart, Guy.

Anise: I. WANNA. GO. SEE. ION!!!!!!!!

Jade: *singing* When I grow up, I wanna be famous, wanna be a star, wanna be a model!

Luke: What did that have to do with anything?

Ginji: *makes a sharp turn, then a flip* Daath it is, then!

Noelle: Weeee!!!

Mieu: *turns green* I'm gonna be sick!!!

Tear: Hey! Let Sora drive! He's better at the Gummi ship than you are!

Ginji: Who!? *turns around*

Mieu: Ginji look out!!!!!!!

Ginji: Whaaa?? *crashes into a tree*

*old man falls out of tree*

Old Man: Hey! What do you young whippersnappers think you're doing disturbing an old man!?

Anise: *gets out* Hey! It's Lemon!

*everyone looks at her*

Guy: She means Iemon

Anise: It looks like lemon.....

Luke: *ponders* It really does....

Tear: Oh Merlin! It's been too long! *glomps*

Iemon: Who is this woman!?!? Get her off of me! I want a restraining order!

Guy: *shudders* Women are weird...

Luke: Jade, you haven't sung in a while

Anise: Have you finally run out of songs?

Jade: *singing* Cut my life into pieces! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!!!!! Suffocation! No breathing!!

Mieu: *singing* Don't give a--

Everyone: MIEU NO!

Mieu: *looks innocent* What?

Jade: *in the background, singing* It all started when I lost my mother, no love for myself and no love for another

*awkward silence*

Guy: That explains a lot...

Iemon: *during the middle of a long rant* ...are you even listening to me!?!?

Luke: What did you say, you old geezer?

Iemon: *dejected* *sniff sniff*

Tear: Luke! Be nice to Merlin! He can teach you curaga!

Luke: ....?

Noelle and Ginji in the background: We fixed it!

Anise: Finally we can leave..

Jade: *about to sing*

Ginji: *points behind the Albiore* But there is no need, we are right at Daath.

Guy: Then why is Iemon here?

Tear: MERLIN decided to come to Twilight Town to visit the mansion

Iemon: Twilight Town? Mansion? What?

Tear: You know where it is, you have to go through the hoooole and through the woods

Jade: *singing* Over the river and through the woods

Mieu: *singing* To grandmother's house we go!

Luke: So I'm guessing Mieu is now Jade's singing partner...

Jade and Mieu: *singing* Because twoooo is better than ooooone

Luke: *blinks and walks away*

Anise: Oh, we can go find Ion!!

Guy: Well then lets go to the cathedral then

_And so our heroes go in the direction they think the Daath Cathedral is in. They somehow got lost, though, and ended up deep within the forest. How they missed the giant building, the world may never know, but seriously, this is the __**Lost Series**__. They're meant to get lost. Anywho, they finally spotted the Cathedral after several hours of being hopelessly lost. It took them that long to figure out that Iemon, or "lemon," as Anise calls him, was following them...._

Anise: *looks back at Iemon* Hey, old man Lemon followed us!!!

Luke: Whatever, at least we finally made it to Daath.

Iemon: At last!!! I made it back to civilization!!! *kneels and kisses the street*

Tear: Merlin, is this some magic ritual?? *copies him*

Luke: Tear! Get up!!!

Jade: *singing* To get up off my knees and follow this path of most resistance!!

Guy: *ignoring Jade and talking to Iemon* So were you lost out there?

Iemon: *nods* I was testing the newest Albiore and something went wrong. I jumped out and landed in that tree. I was meditating when you disturbed me....

Tear: *eyes shining* Were you trying to teleport yourself back to your house in Traverse Town, or maybe to Radiant Gardens?

Iemon: Uh...?

Luke: Ignore her. She's been like this for a while now...

Anise: *from the steps to the Cathedral* C'mon, you guys!!! Ion's just up ahead!!!

Guy: Well, it was nice traveling with you, Iemon. See you later!

Mieu: *waving* Bye, Lemon!!

Jade: *singing* Bye bye bye

Mieu: *singing* BYE BYE!!!

*they finally reach the Cathedral and go inside*

Anise: Finally! Now let's go find Ion!! *looks at the nearest person* Is Ion up in his office?

Random Person: No, my dear, I believe I saw him walking that way *points*

Jade: *singing* There she was just a walkin' down the street, singing--

Mieu and Jade: *singing* Doo wah ditty ditty dum ditty doo!

Luke: *snickers* You just called Ion a girl.

Anise: HEY!!!!

Jade: *singing* Dude looks like a lady!!!

Anise: *goes for his eyes*

Jade: *dodges* Not today, sistah!!

Guy: *looks around* Hey, has anyone seen Tear?

Random Person: Was that the strange girl who kept muttering about "Castle Oblivion"?

Luke: Sounds like something she'd say.

Random Person: Well, she went the same direction as the Fon Master. She looked quite determined about something.

Guy: *dodges a fighting Anise and Jade* Well, we'll kill two birds with one stone, I suppose.

Jade: *while struggling to keep Anise from killing him* IIIIIII suppose!

Jade and Mieu: HEY!!!

Everyone: ..... *group sigh*

And that's all for today, folks! Our heroes are at the Daath Cathedral (finally), and now Tear has gone off after Ion!!! Is she in love with him/her???? Will Luke commit seppuku because of Tear leaving him? Will Anise kill Jade for calling Ion a girl? Will they ever stop singing? Of course not, because it's funny. Look forward to the next installment in the "Lost" series--"LOST IN THE DAATH CATHEDRAL"


End file.
